Words to Avoid!”
I have chosen this quote and this subject because of how the words “have to” can limit us in our quest for a joyful, productive, and meaningful life. For example, it’s very common to hear people use these words when explaining why they have made a choice to do one thing or another.
The truth is, when we use the words “have to” we are describing ourselves as powerless. This is a problem, because feeling powerless engages the limited lower 20% of the brain and triggers the production of stress hormones such as cortisol.
Now, granted this isn’t necessarily debilitating when we are describing something as innocuous as having to go to the store, pick up the cleaning, etc. However, when this way of describing ourselves and our lives becomes pervasive (I have to: work at a job I hate, stay in an abusive relationship, hear criticism from my family, etc.) the effect can be devastating. Or, when we are using the words to abdicate responsibility for a choice (“Sorry, I have to work late”) we define ourself as someone who can’t (or won’t) take responsibility for our actions… or someone who is irresponsible.
I suggest that neither “powerless” nor “irresponsible” are words we would choose to describe who we are, and certainly are not words we would recommend to those we love, and therefore I suggest we reexamine this tendency to use the words “have to.”
First, let’s determine that if we are even speaking the truth when we use these words. If “have to” means we have no choice, then I suggest that there are only three things in life we “have to” do. As this week’s quote says, we have to be born (we have no choice in that) we have to die (other than suicide, which I don’t recommend, we have no choice in this) and…?
When I ask this question in my seminars, the most common response is “Pay taxes.” However, the truth is, we don’t “have to” pay taxes! Of course, we might go to jail if we don’t, and based upon this desire to stay out of jail, we might choose to pay taxes, but it is still a choice.
No, the only three things we “have to” do in life are: we have to be born, we have to die, and we have live until we die. EVERYTHING ELSE IS A CHOICE!
So, how can this perspective help us create a more joyful, productive, and meaningful life? Well, it has been my experience that when we are willing to actively choose what we do and take responsibility for our choices, one result is that we find ourselves doing less of what we don’t want to do and feeling better about what we do choose to do. Given that doing what we don’t want, sooner or later, almost always results in resentment, then doing less of this means we are experiencing less resentment.
When we choose to go to work because we like the money we earn, this could also result in our being more productive. Because, not only are we feeling less resentment, we are coming from the part of the brain that is responsible for purposeful choice, which is also the part of the brain where we have access to our knowledge and creativity.
Choosing what activities to participate in with respect to our relationships could result in the partners spending more time actually doing what they want and coming together and sharing their experiences, as opposed to the all-to-common practice of “Okay, I did this for you, now you have to do this for me!” which of course, almost always creates resentment.
I could go on, but I think you get the picture. Rather than abdicating responsibility and defining ourselves as powerless with the words “have to,” I suggest that we change the way we describe our choices. If they are indeed choices, then let’s call them what they are, and make them more purposefully… in a way that makes a statement about who we are, and in a way we would teach to our children. Then, if the choice turns out to be one that doesn’t work for us, we can take that as good information and make different choices in the future rather than looking for someone to blame for “making us” do something.
Bottom line, how we think about ourselves and the world determines the chemicals we release in our body, what part of the brain we engage, how we feel, what we do, and how we experience life. Therefore, I suggest that we influence this experience as much as possible by making very purposeful choices because of the three things we “have to” do, being born and dying are momentary events. It’s the “living until we die” part that will last decades, and the part that we can truly influence by making more purposeful, powerful choices.
~ All the best, Dr. Bill