"How we make others feel about themselves says a lot about us"
~ Unknown

How We Influence Others

In my role as a psychologist and speaker/corporate trainer, I am always asked by clients and participants about ways to influence others. And, while I do help people understand how to break through other’s resistance, I always reinforce that before we attempt to influence others, we must ensure that we are being the type of person that people want to engage. In other words, how we are interacting with those we wish to influence will go a long way toward determining our success.

For those of you who follow my “Life from the Top of the Mind” philosophy, this means we must make sure we are coming from the clear, confident, creative, and compassionate brain (the neocortex, or upper 80% of the brain). Further, we must make being this way our “Highest Purpose,” or the most important thing in our life, otherwise we are simply trying to change others in order to “feel better” ourselves, and this will never work.

Plus, I believe that every thought, emotion, and action makes a statement about who we are and who we are becoming, which means as we try to influence others we are actually saying more about us than them. For example, are we someone who puts others at ease or on guard? Are we someone who people naturally warm up to and want to listen to, or someone who shames them or intimidates them into doing what we want? Are we someone who listens to understand, and then works to create a solution that is good for everyone, or someone who wants to win at any cost?

These questions will determine our ultimate success because they speak to how we make others feel. Again, looking at my “Life from the Top of the Mind” philosophy, we know that when others feel intimidated, manipulated, bullied, or dismissed, they go to the “resistant brain” (or the brainstem). This is where our fight-or-flight responses reside and will have people either fighting with us and feeling angry, or acquiescing and feeling resentful.

Either way, not only have we minimized our potential for success, we have defined ourselves as people who are manipulative and intimidating. Therefore, if manipulative and intimidating are not how we want others to see us, I suggest we become clear about who we do want to be and how we want others to feel as they interact with us. For example, if people saw us as caring, interested, open-minded, and eager to help, don’t you think that would have them more motivated to hear what we have to say as valuable? Of course, the answer is “yes,” because of how we have made them feel (cared for, understood, interesting, and valuable). Further, being this way, and making them feel this way, has them coming from the receptive brain (versus the resistant brain) which increases the likelihood that they hear what we have to say as valuable.

If this is an area in which you and/or your leadership team would like to become more skilled, I suggest you contact me. Teaching others to define who they are in a way that maximizes their ability to work successfully with others is what I do, and I would love to help you and your organization achieve this critical aspect of success.

~ All the best, Dr. Bill