QUOTES & WISDOM
from the
TOP OF THE MIND

In my work as a psychologist, speaker, and consultant, one of the problems that consistently seems to interfere with so many people’s ability to be happy and successful is their inability to understand perspectives with which they don’t agree. As a result, they tend to either get in to debates about “who’s right” and/or just leave the interaction feeling angry and resentful, with nothing being resolved.

This is understandable given the fact that so many of our interactions growing up revolved around “who’s right.” When we were kids, our parents and teachers were supposedly always right (or so it seemed to us.) And, therefore, when we become adults, we naturally wanted to claim the “righteousness” of our perspective in conversations with others. Unfortunately, needing to be right (or convincing the other that they are wrong) rarely results in a positive outcome. In fact, it can destroy families and paralyze businesses in such a way that everyone loses.

The solution, therefore, is to be able to hear and understand another’s perspective without the need to either agree or disagree, and in a way that has the potential to lead to consensus. However, this takes confidence. Of course, those of you who follow my “Life from the Top of the Mind” philosophy know that this ability comes from the clear, confident, creative part of the brain, or the neocortex, while the tendency to resist, resent, and argue with others comes from the lower reactive brain or the brainstem.

In my seminars and counseling sessions, people report that learning the neuropsychology behind all this can be very helpful because it helps us understand how someone can defend a perspective that to us, just doesn’t make sense… they are coming from the part of the brain that doesn’t make sense (the brainstem). Of course, what we need to understand is that from the other’s perspective, this does make sense because they feel it so strongly! They believe that they are right about whatever they are thinking and are prepared to defend this position to anyone who doesn’t get it!

Given that we don’t want them defending their perspective, but instead want them open to something new, we must be able to hear what they believe without judging it as either right or wrong. Again, this takes confidence. If we are indeed confident that what we believe has value (not just to us, but also to them) then we can begin to see their perspective as a stepping stone to consensus.

In other words, what is influencing them at the moment is their belief. Therefore, if we want to become more influential with them, we must start where they are. This can be as simple as saying something like, “I can understand how you would feel that way” or “I can understand how you would be upset by this.” This doesn’t mean that we would feel this way, or even that other people would feel this way, but it does free them from the need to defend their perspective, which allows them to be more open to suggestions about the future.

Bottom line, when we are confident enough in our own perspective to hear and understand theirs, we can play a very influential role in what happens next, or the direction of the interaction. In doing so, we are able to blend what’s important to us with what’s important to them in a way that creates a way forward that works for everyone. The key is to see their beliefs as part of the solution versus the problem, because it represents a starting point, or an opportunity to model what we want.

In other words, if we want them to listen to us and work to understand our perspective, we must be willing to do the same with them. To do this, we must be coming from the clear, confident, creative part of the brain, and partner with their perspective in a way that allows them to move from resistant to receptive.

If you would like to learn how to tap in to the motivation of others to hear and understand your perspective by understanding how our brains process information, please feel free to contact me. This is one thing that my “Life from the Top of the Mind” system is designed to teach, and I would love to share this information with you and/or those in your organization.